Maybe if I tell myself enough, maybe if I do, I'll get over you
by PrincessFiona073
Summary: AU Season 2: Where Rachel tries to find her way back to herself after her and Finn's breakup.


**A/N Hey guys! This is my first ever Glee story and I gotta admit, I'm kinda nervous to see how people will react. So essentially this story is like an AU of season 2, because I recently began to re-watch Glee ( July 13th broke my heart guys, RIP Cory Monteith) and I realised that I was kinda bothered by how the writers handled the whole Rachel/Finn thing during their break up in season 2. So that's what this story focused on. I hope you all enjoy this! Please review and leave constructive criticism!**

 **Thanks guys.**

 **Until next time,**

 **Fionakevin073**

 _Maybe if I tell myself enough, Maybe if I do, I'll get over you—Ingrid Michelson, Over You_

 _i._

Rachel is sorry.

God she is so so so so sorry.

 _Finn please._

He has to forgive her. He has too. She loves him. More than anyone or anything.

" _I'm officially breaking up with you."_

Rachel can feel her heart shatter into a million, tiny little pieces.

 _ii._

She wonders how he can be so _calm_ about it.

By _it_ she means their break up.

Rachel cries herself to sleep on most nights and on the nights she doesn't she can't sleep at all. Seeing him acting so— put together just makes it all worse.

 _I miss you!_ She wants to scream, _I'm sorry. Please. Please. I love—_

She wants him to show her some sign— any sign at all. She feels like a dog waiting for their owner to throw them a bone and Rachel Berry is no dog— Rachel Berry is a star.

But right now, Rachel doesn't feel like much of anything.

 _iii._

There's this moment when Rachel thinks she catches him staring at her and her heart begins to flutter a million times faster and a blush reaches her cheek but then she realises that while his gaze may be in her direction, he is certainly not looking at _her._

Throughout the commotion on the field and the cheers of the crowd after they had won their game, Rachel finds it hard to move to look behind her and she realises that he's looking at Quinn.

Grinning at her.

Bile rises in Rachel's throat. _Oh god,_ she thinks miserably, her joy at the team winning the game instantly evaporating.

But Quinn's with Sam—

 _That hasn't stopped her before._

But Finn wouldn't—

 _Wouldn't he?_

 _iv._

The final straw comes when she visits him in the nurses office when he and Quinn both got Mono. She is wearing the gold star necklace he gave her when she comes in to find him lying on one of the cots and she nervously—yet gently— places a wet cloth on top of his forehead.

His eyes flicker open and widen slightly when he realises it's her. Rachel tries not to be offended at the expression on his face—one she can't quite decipher (and it breaks her heart because she always used to know what he was thinking) — and looks down at the ground nervously.

"Where's Quinn?"

"Her mom picked her up," he answers groggily before closing his eyes, "You don't have to do that."

She drops her hand almost instantly before lifting it again and pats his forehead gently, "I want to."

And then she can't help but voice her insecurities and call Quinn beautiful—prettier than her— in all honesty and she's surprised when he cuts her off, "Would you stop? You're beautiful." And for a split moment— for one miraculous second, Rachel is full of hope but then she remembers that— that _fucking_ grin and _mono_ and—

"Did you kiss her?"

The question is almost like a plea; _please tell me you didn't I know I hurt you so so badly but—_

Finn doesn't answer.

In other words, _yes._

"How does it feel like when you kiss her?"

"Fireworks."

That hurt.

More than Rachel knew how to express. Tears prick her eyes as she struggles to control her breathing.

"And when you kiss me?" she questions softly, her voice almost cracking, "What do you feel?"

He stays silent, as if to say _nothing._

And oh god, if Rachel's heart was broken before it is obliterated now. She nods sadly and moves to leave when his voice stops her, "Rachel, wait—"

"No, we're cool," she says, turning around to look at him as she struggles not to show her devastation, "I know now that there is nothing here for me anymore so—"

"That's not the truth. I still. . . I just— I'm so confused in my head right now—"

"It's good Finn, now I'm free to pursue my dreams without anything holding me back." He still looks like he wants to say something but Rachel can't handle anything more right now; she feels these waves of emotion begin to build inside of her and one more word from him will push her over the edge.

"Feel better Finn," is all she says before leaving.

It takes everything in her not to look back.

 _v._

Rachel wonders what she should do next.

She promised Finn she would move on and leave him alone and she fully intends on keeping that promise— plus Kurt said he'd burn all of her sweaters if he had to listen to her rant about Finn again— but where does she start?

Is there some sort of emotional hand guide over how to get over a break up? Some pamphlet that says _Here's what you do when your boyfriend lies to you about sleeping with a girl who has made your life hell which causes you to cheat him on him with his best friend which makes him break up with you and get back together with his ex-girlfriend who lied to him about being her baby daddy, cheated on him with his best friend and who coincidentally— or ironically— has—had?— a boyfriend._

God, being heartbroken sucks.

But Rachel brushes that aside. She can use these feelings in order to further her path to Stardom or something. Or use the emotional trauma and heartache to deliver a heart stopping rendition of _Who Are You Now_ on her opening night on Funny Girl. Rachel _can_ go back to being the girl she used to be; the one who only cared about Broadway and herself. Granted, she actually has friends now but she _will_ go back to life before Finn. To a life where she hadn't been with her best friend, boyfriend and person all wrapped up in one.

For her sake— and Glee's— she has too.

—

Rachel changes her mind.

She can't go back to life before Finn. Especially after— after _this._

Rachel isn't quite sure how she managed to find her way to the auditorium through her tears but she does. Maybe in her heartbroken state she thought that singing about it would have made a difference. Made her feel better even. Like when she sang _Take a Bow_ or _Gives You Hell_ or any other of the thousands of songs she has sung when she's ever felt upset.

But Rachel can't sing because she's crying too hard.

Kurt had asked her to go into the boys locker room to look for some sweater that he was oh so sure he had forgotten in his gym locker, some Valentino sweater that apparently he would ' _die without'._ Privately, Rachel wonders as to _how_ he could forget a sweater that he would 'die' without in his old gym locker but anyhow, Rachel agreed to go and get it and she will.

She just forgot that the football team had practices on Wednesday's and that the change room would be occupied. Rachel had been about to turn around and walk away when she had heard Finn's voice. "You know man, I don't know. I mean with Quinn. . . . it just feels like I was supposed to be with her all along and—" His voice had been muffled by something— " I just— I just feel like maybe everything with Rachel was a distraction from what I've always meant to be doing you know? Like maybe none of it was even real—"

It was at that point that Rachel had had enough and ran away, tears streaming down her face. She's just grateful that the school was deserted— Rachel had only stayed after school because she had to ask her English teacher about one of her assignments and as to practice her solo for Glee but—

Rachel begins to sob even harder as she doubles over from where she's sitting on the edge of the stage with her legs dangling off. _God she can't breathe!_ It was one thing to have Finn break up with her— rightfully so, what she had done was deplorable but god she was so sorry— and another to have him say that everything that had happened between them was't real. Like he had never loved her and that the kisses and touches and songs and moments they had shared had all been nothing but a hitch in his master plan to be with Quinn Fabray.

Rachel thinks of _'Break a leg'_ and _'I love you'_ and _'I'll never break up with you'_ and _god_ she feels so freaking stupid. She's just Rachel Berry the crazy girl with big Broadway dreams who was dumb enough to think that a boy as nice and kind as Finn could ever love her—

"Is this a bad time?"

Rachel freezes.

She swipes at her red eyes in a poor attempt to hide her tears and bites down on her lip so she can muffle her sobs. "Just a minute!" she calls back, giving herself a moment before she turns around to look at Sam, who is standing there awkwardly with a guitar. She hasn't really talked to Sam very much. He had been Finn's friend— and at one point rival— and he was very talented— all stealing her and Finn's Sectional Solo aside— but their paths had never really crossed. In all honesty, she was still surprised that he had continued going to Glee club after he and Quinn had broken up. Or at least she thinks they broke up. Did he even know about Finn and Quinn or—

"Rachel?"

Rachel shook her head in order to expel those thoughts from her mind. "Sorry. . . I was just um— I was just—"

"You seemed pretty upset," Sam says and he actually sounds kinda concerned, which is nice.

There's some awkward silence as Rachel try's to find something to say.

Sam must realise how awkward this is because he quickly explains, "I've been coming here to you know— sing and practice for Glee. It's been kinda nice and all, you know, since the break up to kind of just sing my heart out and not have to worry about my ex-girlfriend thinking that it's about her— even though it kinda is—"

"I get it."

Rachel smiles at him weakly and shakily rises from where she sits, sniffling.

Sam smiles at her widely, looking rather boyish and strangely enough, surprised. Though that latter expression quickly dissolves. "I don't know why that surprises me," he rambles, "You are kinda the person who works hardest in Glee and you are kinda intense about finding the emotional truth to every song we sing, which is nice and all, so I figured trying to do that on my own and like, trying to find the truth in a song would be kinda cool. Like Bruce Willis kinda cool but if you're using the auditorium, that's cool too—"

"Don't worry about," she cuts in sharply, suddenly feeling eager to just go home and cry some more, "The auditorium is all yours. Have fun."

And then she quickly left before he could get another word in with some pitying expression on his face as he asks her about what she was crying about. If there's anything that Rachel hates more than laziness, it's pity, especially towards herself.

 _vi._

Rachel lies on her bed and stares at the ceiling. Her dad's have gone away on a business trip, as they usually do from September to March (her daddy worked as Executive for a toothpaste company and her Papa was a travel writer, so they usually travelled for two weeks before coming back for one and repeating the process) so there's no one to bother her. Barbra is playing in the background but for the first time in her life, Rachel isn't listening or marvelling at how amazing her voice is.

The only thing Rachel can think about is Finn and Quinn, together, smiling, kissing, having— Rachel cringes so hard her nose wrinkles. She can't even picture it— _them._ The idea repulses her so greatly she almost throws up right then and there but— but Finn said that he was always meant to be with Quinn. That Rachel was just a distraction. She wishes she could wish away the words or pretend that they had never been said but she can't. They're ingrained onto her skin like a tattoo; they're running through her head like one of those annoying songs on the radio that everyone hates but can't stop thinking about anyway.

She plays with the hem of her skirt and thinks but then all of a sudden Rachel is filled with such hatred she screams into her pillow (which totally ruins her vocal cords for a good two seconds) and flings it across the room. Rachel prides herself on being able to control a situation but now— now Rachel feels like she's been flung into the middle of the ocean with twenty meter waves on all sides with only a dingy little raft to get home.

 _Where the heck was home anyway?_

It used to be here, in her bedroom, her little safe place from the rest of the world. She could be happy in here, be herself and not have to worry about being judged or misunderstood or teased. She used to feel like the safest person in the world when she was in here. The only time she had ever felt that way was when she was in Finn's arms—

 _No._

Finn.

He's all over this room. How had Rachel not noticed it before? The blanket on her bed— the pink one with the small golden stars— is out. That is— was— Finn's favourite blanket. He used to say that all the others gave him a rash whenever he would come over and they would cuddle and watch movies on her bed. The glass on her nightstand was the same one she used the first time he came over. That Barbra picture on her bulletin board— the signed, special edition one— was a present that Finn had given her for their two month anniversary.

Finn is all over this room— all over her house. He's invaded every single part of her life; her thoughts, her dreams, her heart and now even her _fucking_ bedroom. A wild, wounded sound escapes her throat as she realises this, tears pricking her eyes. She flings the pink blanket across the room with all her might and she doesn't even wince when it knocks down one of her Barbra memorabilia. She has this desperate urge to bleach every single inch of her room in order to remove _him_ from it but—

She catches sight of herself in her full-length mirror. Her eyes are wide, red and wet with tears and her ponytail is now lopsided and messy. She looks like some kind of wild, feral animal that's just been released in the city after spending its whole life in the jungle. Rachel is wearing her (and Finn's) favourite sweater, the red one that exposes her collar bone and is covered in polka dots and a black knee length skirt with tights. The sight of herself infuriates Rachel so greatly that she stalks towards her closet and begins to fling certain clothing items behind her.

She almost felt as though if she got rid of the clothes she could somehow make herself breathe again.

(In the end, she ends up collapsing half way through her impromptu closet 'cleanse' and cries herself to sleep on her bedroom floor.

She doesn't go to school the next day)

 _vii._

Rachel has to force herself out of the house when Friday rolls around. She has both a history _and_ algebra test that day and no matter how heartbroken she may be she refuses to allow herself to lose her 3.9 GPA as well as her boyfriend (and dignity and self worth etc). Rachel bumps into Mercedes on her way to her locker in the morning and merely states that she wasn't feeling good yesterday when asked as to her absence from school and Glee and she offers the same excuse when Tina, Artie and Mike come up to her and ask as well.

It's only until lunch time and she's by her locker that she sees a blue plaid shirt out of the corner of her eye. Rachel turns her head to stare at Sam, who is looking at her with a semi-concerned expression as he tries to vary whether or not she'll break down on him. "You feeling okay?" is all he asks, his blue eyes piercing into the side of her face. Rachel finally makes herself meet his eyes and she feels oddly vulnerable doing so. She is perfectly aware that Sam could have told everyone about what he saw on Wednesday but he didn't.

Somehow, that makes her brain think that she owes him the truth.

"I'm better than I was. . ." her voice drifts off.

She doesn't need to clarify about what she's talking about.

Sam nods, offers her a small smile before something over her shoulder makes him frown. She turns her head to follow his gaze and sees Finn and Puck walking away with their backs towards them after coming out of a classroom. Rachel feels oddly naked, standing there in her penny loafers and yet another animal sweater.

And by god, she _detests_ that feeling with all her heart. As though she is some alien in her own body because the clothes she's wearing remind her of Fi— _him._ Her and Sam share a glance and something passes between them in that moment; some sliver of understanding. Sam offers her another smile— this time its far more strained— and walks away.

Later, when she gets home Kurt calls her to tell her all about Blaine and about Dalton and how great it is and—

"Kurt?" she questions, once he is finally done.

"Yes?"

"I think I need a change."

"What kind of change Rachel?" She can hear an edge of excitement in his voice and knows he's thinking about her wardrobe, which well, this kinda is. "I don't know," she confesses quietly, her voice small and unsure as she stares at the sweaters hanging in her walk-in closet. "What like a different hairdo? Because Rachel I know you're upset about Finn but please dear God do not pull a Felicity—"

"I feel dirty," she whispers and that feeling of insecurity and vulnerability sneaks up on her again and _fuck_ (she's getting better at this whole swearing thing) it makes her feel so small and unlike herself. "I don't feel like myself, Kurt. It's like—like I'm an alien in my own skin. I hate this and I don't know. . . I need— I need a change and I need my best friend to help me shop for something that will make me feel comfortable again okay? And I don't mean like a clown hooker but— but something different. Please." Her voice was shaking under the weight of her desperation and her need for him to understand.

"Is everything okay Rachel?" Kurt asks and it sounds as though he's sat up straighter as concern fills his voice. "Because you sound. . ." _Broken defeated lost—_

"Everything is fine Kurt," she replies, casting another glance at her animal sweaters. "I just really need this."

Kurt agrees readily and they make plans to meet at the mall tomorrow at ten in the morning. Rachel takes a deep breath when she hangs up the phone and slowly, slowly, begins to stuff some of her old sweaters and other clothing into boxes. Some she plans on giving to charity and others she plans on selling on eBay because apparently there are a bunch of people in Lima, Ohio who are in desperate need of animal sweaters and the like. Granted, majority of them are Grandma's and whatnot but still. Her Dad's gave her a budget of $500 for her shopping spree when she mentioned it to them but she feels kind of bad so she wants to give them back some cash (and save some for herself).

By the time she goes to bed at one in the morning, she's managed to make $200 dollars from selling most of her animal sweaters and has donated one and a half boxes of clothes to Goodwill. It doesn't make her okay or anything like that but it does make some of the weight on her chest lessen just a little bit.

 _viii._

The next day, Rachel (with Kurt's help) buys herself jeans, shirts, sweaters, sweats, some dresses (some fancier than others) and a few news pairs of shoes. Most of the clothes are stuff she usually would not be caught dead wearing but well. . . desperate times call for desperate measures. By the time they finish shopping around eight in the evening, both of them are carrying bags in their arms and Rachel's feet are hurting so freaking badly. But still, Rachel insists on taking him out to the Starbucks the mall just installed in the food court and she fidgets under his suspicious gaze as he finally asks, "Rachel, what brought this on?"

For a split second, Rachel is tempted to tell him about what Finn said. Really, she is. She imagines his shock, rage, pity and compassion as he swears not to tell Finn that she heard. But Rachel knows Kurt— she knows that he would never be able to stay mad at Finn now that they're brothers, especially about something as big as this and while Rachel may be selfish, she isn't _that_ selfish so as to attempt to ask. Besides, the thought of having Finn walk up to her apologise for you know, breaking her heart kind of makes her want to fling herself off the nearest cliff.

So uh, no thanks.

"Nothing," she says forcefully, making sure her voice sounds like normal (bright, optimistic, take no prisoners) so that he doesn't suspect the truth. "I just. . . I just had an epiphany the other day, when I wasn't feeling well and suddenly just had this desire for a change. That is all."

He shoots her a dubious look as he takes a sip of his tea, "You're sure?"

For a split second she's worried that Sam has told him about what he saw.

"Positive."

She exhales inwardly when he finally looks convinced.

On their way home, Rachel allows Kurt to drive her home (now that he finally got his license, all he wants to do is practice) and is surprised when he pulls into a hairdresser. "Kurt? What are we doing here, everything is closed—"

"Rachel Barbra Berry," Kurt admonishes loudly— and overdramtigcally—"If you want to have a makeover or a do over or whatever it is you're doing, you _always_ have to do something to your hair! It's literally in every single rom-com of all time!" Rachel sighs and begs and pleads but Kurt refuses to budge and so within twenty minutes Rachel finds herself in one of those chairs you somehow only find in a hairdressers.

"What would you like?" Angelica— a Russian woman with a thick accent and obviously dyed red hair asks.

"Uh—"

"Her boyfriend— who happens to be my step-brother— broke up with her a few months ago and we recently just bought her a whole new wardrobe, so if you could do something that just screams _new boy— new me!_ that would be fantastic."

The older woman's face brightens as she walks towards Rachel with something she can't quite identify in her hands.

"Ah!" Angelica cries out, "I have just the thing!"

Rachel gulps.

 _ix._

That Monday, for the first time in Rachel's entire high school career, she wears jeans to school. Her hair is blonder at the edges due to the highlights Angelica put and her hair is somehow wavier, with more volume. She looks different. If you had told Rachel last year that she would one day be walking into McKinley High school wearing black high waisted jeans with a red and black shirt that exposes a tiny strip of her stomach along with a black bomber jacket and blonde highlights in her hair she would have slapped you across the face.

Alas, here she is, walking down the hallway to her locker and trying to ignore all the stares and whispers. Usually, Rachel would enjoy the attention but somehow this makes her kind of uncomfortable. The stares, not the clothes. No, surprisingly, Rachel felt less. . . _bare_ in these clothes; less vulnerable some how. She isn't too sure about the hair just yet but she has to admit that it does look good, even if Rachel hadn't planned on getting it down. Kurt was in love with it as well, he had even shed a tear once Angelica had unveiled her work.

By the time Glee rolls around, Rachel is kinda fed up with all the stares and the rumours too; God, when she was in the bathroom, she heard a bunch of freshmen claim that she was doing to get Finn's attention, which caused Rachel to burst out of the stall and glare at them with such fervour that they blushed and scampered away. The mention of Finn kind of makes those waves of emotion (you know, fear, vulnerability, unworthiness, uselessness) creep up on her again and so she tries her best to ignore them, to ignore the way her heart breaks and groans under the weight of her heartache.

Anyway, by the time Glee rolls around, Rachel just stalks into the room and sits down on one of the chairs as if nothing was different. Which, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't.

"You know Rachel, I gotta say I actually dig this new look of yours even if it looks like you just dipped your hair into a bunch of yellow paint before heading over here—"

This of course, was Santana. Rachel hadn't said anything and had chosen to look steadily ahead in silence. _Damn, she should really buy herself some headphones or something to start blocking her out._ Luckily, before Rachel could begin screaming at the top of her lungs, Mr. Schue walked into the choir room. He did do a double take when he first saw her but he had not said anything (not yet anyway).

"Okay guys!" he exclaims, turning to face them all. Everyone stopped talking when Mr. Schue did and listened closely for the assignment of the week. Typically, Rachel would stare at Mr. Schue completely invested with what he was saying but now she finds herself staring at her hands. _Should I change these too?_ she wonders, as she stares down at her undecorated nails, _girls get their nails done in the movies too right? I think I saw that in the Princess diaries—_

"Rachel?"

Rachel snaps her head up to stare at Mr. Schue, who was staring at her expectantly— and with a slight degree of concern.

"Sorry?"

Everyone exchanges glances now.

Rachel always listens to what he has to say and almost _always_ has something to say about it.

"The assignment this week to partner up with someone who plays an instrument that you don't. Either one or both of you need to be playing an instrument for at least thirty seconds during the number you choose to perform. It's time for us to not only use our voices to make music but to also explore the ways songs are made and realise how vital instruments are to the making of songs." There's a slight pause before he adds something to the assignment that makes everyone raise their eyebrows, "And you have to do it with someone you either haven't done a duet with before, or someone who you sing with very rarely. Okay, that's it! Have fun!"

The class immediately bursts into whispers after he finishes but Rachel merely sits there thinking and begins to glance at her fellow Glee club members. Rachel plays the piano— granted, not expertly but well enough that she's won a few piano competitions before— but otherwise she doesn't really play instruments. Artie plays the guitar but he's already paired up with Brittany, Tina has paired up with Mercedes— apparently she plays the flute— Mike has paired up with Santana of all people, Puck with Lauren and Sam—

Rachel rises from her chair and heads over towards him before anyone—including herself— can stop her. Sam glances up at her with surprise in his eyes as he waits for her to speak.

"Do you want to be my duet partner?" she rushes, so that it sounds like she says _doyouwanttobemydoitpartnr._

Apparently Sam can understand crazy Rachel speak because he smiles and nods his head, though he looks a little bit unsure.

"You play the guitar and I can play the piano, I think that if we find a song that compliments are voices, we can really do a great job. Besides, we have never sang together before, really so. . ."

Sam tilts his head when the bell rings.

"So this has nothing to do with the tickets?"

By this time, everyone had started pouring out of the classroom, though Rachel notices from the corner of her eye that they're shooting them some suspicious looks, almost as though her and Sam are plotting someone's murder.

Rachel raises her eyebrows.

"What tickets?"

Sam laughs loudly as he reaches for his backpack and stands so that he is now hovering over her, even though he isn't as tall as Fi— some of the other boys are. "You know, the prize tickets Mr. Schue plans on giving to the winner with the best solo to the movies, you can pick whatever movie you want. . ."

"Oh," Rachel says, surprised, she hadn't heard about _that_. No wonder why everyone was shooting her weird looks. "I have no interest in the tickets," she tells him honestly, as she slings her new handbag/school bag ( a big black one) over her shoulder, "You can use them however you want."

Sam considers it for a moment before he nods.

"Okay, if you're sure."

They walk out together, silence hanging between them. _Perhaps this was a mistake,_ Rachel thinks, _we are very different. The first time Sam came into the choir room he was speaking in this ridiculous accent and doing the worst impersonation she had ever seen in her life. Besides he had dated Quinn—_

They both stop short at the sight of Finn and Quinn walking down the hallway together. Rachel's fists clench so tightly she can feel her nails begin to dig into her skin. She glances up at Sam's face and sees a variety of emotions flicker in his eyes; hurt, heartbreak and anger.

"Come on," she says dully, "We need to start brainstorming."

Rachel thinks she's about to be sick.

x.

As it turns out, brainstorming with Sam during lunch mostly means them sitting together in awkward silence, tossing out some half-passionate ideas that neither of them really care about. Both of them are more preoccupied with what they just saw to actually care about what they're talking about. By the time lunch ends, they exchange numbers and make awkward plans to talk later.

Rachel finds herself baking some of her gluten free vanilla cookies after school when she begins to _really_ think about what they're doing. She doesn't care about winning some movie tickets, even though that new rom com with Julia Roberts just opened last weekend but she has this _desire_ to win. Almost as if she needs to prove something not only to herself, but to him. That she is worth something; that she is _real._ Of course, she'd never admit this out loud to anyone— not even her Dad's or Kurt— but she _has_ to win this competition. She had too.

She just doesn't know what to sing.

She flips through all her CD's, records and even her iPod ad she can't find something that fits. That feels right. She wipes her hands on a dishtowel as she finishes putting her cookies in the oven. The house is lonely and quiet when her Dad's aren't around but strangely enough Rachel finds the quiet relaxing. She no longer has the urge —much to her neighbours relief— to blast show tunes and sing along to them at the top of her lungs. Kurt calls her at around seven to ask about what everyone thought of her new 'makeover'.

"For the last time Kurt, it wasn't a makeover I just needed a change!"

"Hmm, whatever you say, just remember to give me the credit when you're getting interviewed by Barbara Walters ten years from now!"

Rachel rolls her eyes and lets out a small chuckle (at least she thinks it's a chuckle) and just as she is about to ask for his help, Kurt cuts in with some rant about how he and Blaine went to Lima Bean and saw someone busking outside. "I swear Rachel, you should have heard his baritone— absolutely awful! I mean, if you're going to busk outside a popular cafe, at least make sure your voice is pleasant—"

Rachel feels her heartbeat begin to speed up.

"Did you just say busking?" she interrupts, bringing a sudden halt to Kurt's speech about decency.

"Yes, why?" he snaps, clearly irritated with her for interrupting him.

But all Rachel can think about is _busking_ and _Once_ and a squeal almost escapes her throat as she finally finds the _perfect_ song for her and Sam to sing. "Sorry Kurt," she says hurriedly, "I just had a moment of pure genius— I'll talk to you soon. Bye!"

And then she hurries onto her laptop, finds the sheet music/guitar and piano notes for the song and texts Sam.

 _I think I found the perfect song for us to sing. Meet me in the auditorium during lunch. x Rachel_

She turns her phone off and busies herself with the competition, with the music because she knows if she didn't her mind would start to think about how, despite her desire to win, Rachel still can't really _feel_ anything.

 _xi._

To her surprise, Sam is already there with his guitar when Rachel makes her way into the auditorium. Her heart squeezes painfully in her chest when she remembers what happened the last time she was in here but she tries her best to push that aside with a fake smile as she hurries over to the piano and hands him the sheet music.

"It's a song from the music movie Once, it's premiering as an off-broadway show in April," she informs him as she places the sheet music in front of her on the piano, "It won the Oscar for best original song—"

"I know it," Sam informs her, studying the sheet music.

"You do?"

Rachel does not even attempt to hide her surprise.

"Yeah," he says, smiling goofily at her, "My mom is really into musicals and stuff. Her and my dad danced to this song at their anniversary party a few years back."

"Oh," Rachel replies faintly, "That's sweet."

The silence turns awkward between them as Sam begins to strum his guitar.

"Do you want to—"

Sue Sylvester comes into view with her Cheerios before she can finish her sentence and before Rachel knows it they're being kicked out.

"Well, that was eventful," Sam murmurs sarcastically.

The bell rings over their hands, causing them both to wince.

"We can't even practice in the choir room, can we?" He says, a hint of anger and frustration in his voice, "Artie and Brittany are using the choir room and I have practice tomorrow and—"

"Come over to my house with your guitar after school."

Rachel is pretty sure her surprise overpowers his.

But before she can apologise for being too forward or making him uncomfortable and assure him that she only meant for him to come over as duet partners or as friends (are they even friends?), Sam nods. "Okay but I don't have a ride so—"

"I'll give you one," she tells him, still feeling slightly stunned, "Meet me in the parking lot after school."

—

"Your house is nice," is all Sam comments when she unlocks the door.

"Thank you," Rachel says as she kicks off her shoes and places them in the nearby closet, watching as Sam follows suit. "Our piano is in the living room, so we can practice there. Do you want something to drink or eat?"

She moves into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water, waiting for Sam to say something. "Uh, do you actually have something small for me to eat before we start? I usually eat again around this time so—"

"Yeah of course," she points to where she put the cookies, "I made those yesterday, please help yourself."

They eventually end up taking some water, tea and cookies into the living room as Sam puts down his guitar and opens the case. Silence hangs between them again but this time it isn't as awkward as all the others. She studies Sam carefully, taking note of his blonde hair and button down shirts that he seems so terribly fond of. "Why didn't you tell anyone?" she blurts out the moment he takes a bite out of his cookie.

His eyebrows rise with surprise as he glances at her, chewing with his mouth slightly open. Usually that would disgust her but this time Rachel is too busy with trying to get her question answered. She waits impatiently for him to swallow, her heart beating rapidly.

"I—I—" his voice breaks as he struggles to find the right words. Finally, he shrugs and tells her, "I don't know, I don't think I would appreciate it if someone told everyone about finding me crying in the auditorium. It just didn't seem fair. Besides, I mean, we're friends so. . ."

"We are?"

His eyes meet hers.

"Yeah or at least, I'd like for us to be. I kinda think that you're the only person who kind of understands what I'm going through with Quinn right now so."

Rachel smiles and for the first time in months, it's genuine.

The idea of having a friend who is on the outs with Finn like her is comforting.

They both eat another cookie and Rachel is busy chewing when Sam asks _her_ something.

"Does your whole makeover have something to do with why you were crying?"

Rachel swallows loudly and stares at the ground. She can't talk about this. Not now, anyway. Rachel can already feel tears begin to well in her eyes as she thinks of the words _maybe none of it was real._ "No," she says finally before wincing immediately afterwards. "I mean— kind of— I don't know. . . I just needed the change."

Sam nods in agreement and doesn't seem to suspect anything else.

 _I needed the change because trying to be the Rachel before, during and after Finn made me feel like I was dying._

Rachel clears her throat loudly and rises to her feet before sitting on the chair by the piano. "You ready to practice?" she asks, displaying the sheet music in front of her. "Yeah," Sam replies curtly, moving his guitar into his lap. They look at each other as Rachel goes, "3, 2, 1, go—"

 _xii._

By the time Friday rolls around, Rachel feels pretty confident about their duet. Mr. Schue and Ms. Pillsbury are the judges for this competition and Rachel waits for their turn as she sits beside Sam. Artie and Brittany are singing a rather poor— if she does say so herself— rendition of Kanye West's _Heartless_ which mostly consists of Brittany dancing around Artie as he raps and sings the guitar.

Yeah, they definitely won't win. Mercedes and Tina had done a mash-up of _You Gave up on Love_ by Boston and _You've got to hide your love away_ by the Beatles. Rachel would be concerned about them winning if it hadn't been for Tina hitting a wrong note with the flute which caused them all to wince due to the shrill sound that came out. Santana and Mike had done some Justin Timberlake song but they were disqualified because Santana played the triangle for only ten seconds instead of the mandatory thirty. Puck and Lauren had done some mash up of a few Queen songs with Noah playing the guitar but their vocals had been mediocre.

Only Finn and Quinn remain besides her and Sam and it takes everything in her not to look over at them. She shifts uncomfortably in her seat as bile rises in her throat at the thought of finding them kissing or holding hands or something. _Just the way it was supposed to be,_ she thinks bitterly. She claps without any sort of passion when the duo in front of them finishes. "Okay, great job, Artie, Brittany," Mr Schue tells them, clapping even after everyone else has stopped, "Now with our final pair Rachel and Sam."

 _Wait,_ she thinks, _what about Finn and Quinn—_

"We're up," Sam whispers, patting her on the shoulder. Rachel rises from her seat feeling slightly confused but still _determined._ They're both silent as they approach the centre of the room and Rachel sits herself in front of the piano. To her surprise, Sam drags a chair over and sits close to her with her guitar. When he meets her questioning gaze he smiles and shrugs before murmuring, "Just like the movie."

Rachel did not have any time to argue with that logic.

"Whenever you're ready guys," Mr. Schue calls out.

Sam meets Rachel's eyes and they both simultaneously take a deep breath before she begins to mouth, "3, 2, 1—"

Slowly, gently, Sam begins to strum his guitar and begins to sing, " _I don't know you/ But I want you/ All the more for that."_ Rachel begins to press down on the keys and joins in, her voice soft but clear. _"Words fall through me/ And always fool me/ And I can't react."_ Sam sings on his own again as Rachel's heart begins to beat fervently in her chest. " _And games that never amount/ To more than they're meant/ Will play themselves out."_

And then the chorus comes and their voices join together beautifully, if Rachel does say so herself. " _Take this sinking boat and point it home, we've still got time/ Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice/ You'll make it now/ Falling slowly, eyes that know me and I can't go back."_ Rachel keeps her eyes firmly placed on the piano as a surge of warmth spreads through her chest and all the way down to her toes as she knows in her heart that they've won. But they're not done just yet. " _Moods that take me and erase me/And I'm painted black. You have suffered enough/ And warred with yourself/ It's time that you won."_

Then they sing the chorus for the last time:

" _Take this sinking boat and point it home, we've still got time/ Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice/You've made it now."_

They play on for a few moments, neither of them singing anything as they reach the closing line, " _Falling slowly sing your melody /I'll sing it loud."_ There's a second, maybe two where they just play on, holding the last note in an attempt to extend the peace they've both managed to obtain within the course of the song. But of course, the song ends and the warmth that had spread through her chest instantly fades, making her feel even more numb then before.

Her fingers stop on the keys the instant Sam stops thrumming his guitar strings. The room is quiet for a few seconds and Rachel wonders as to whether or not the performance had all been in her head before everyone starts to clap. Rachel meets Sam's eyes and something passes between them in that moment. Nothing romantic of course— Rachel is saying this 100% honestly— but some form of understanding that cements their friendship. They both rise and face their fellow Glee Club members and they don't hug or anything but they do shoot each other a small smile. The look in Sam's eye makes her realise that he knows that they've won too.

"Good job guys!" Mr. Schue exclaims, clapping even as he stands up to pat them both on the back, "What a fantastic duet! Where did you get the idea to do that song?"

Sam answers before Rachel can form a response— she's getting awfully slow at that lately— "Rachel came up with the idea all on her own Mr. Schue, she even found the sheet music and the chords." Rachel smiles faintly under his praise and then returns to her seat once Mr. Schue and Ms. Pillsbury leave the room so they can deliberate. Rachel accepts some compliments and folds her arm in front of her chest.

(She doesn't look at _them_ )

It only takes ten minutes for the judges to deliberate and sure enough, her and Sam are declared the winners of this competition. She watches as Mr. Schue hands her four tickets for her and Sam to use as they please and waits for everything to die down before she hands them over to him. "You did great Sam," she says and if her voice sounds kind of forced it's not because she's disappointed that she doesn't get to keep the tickets or that she is regretting giving them to him, it's because winning this competition isn't doing what she thought it would. _Fuck,_ she thought it would help fill this gap in her chest where her heart was supposed to be or that it would help her snap out of this perpetual state of numbness that she's felt that has caused her to change her whole physical appearance in a failed attempt to stop feeling so _fucking_ vulnerable every time she sees—

"You know, I was just planning on going with my kid brother and sister," Sam tells her, snapping her out of her reverie, "And we have an extra ticket so, if you want to come with us— I mean, we're probably just going to go watch some disney movie or something but still, I feel kinda bad taking this. I mean, we're a team, you know? So, I was planning on going on Sunday but, if you want one of the tickets—"

"I'd like that actually, if that's okay," Rachel tells him, "My parents aren't home and Kurt and Mercedes are both busy this Sunday so. . ." Sam smiles widely at her and nods, "I'll text you the details." Mr. Schue dismisses everyone and Rachel finally casts a glance over towards _him._ Her heart sinks in her chest when she sees him sitting there, staring in Quinn's direction and she thinks _like, maybe everything that happened with Rachel wasn't even real_ and any progress she had made over the past week vanishes in an instant.

 _xiii._

Of all things Rachel expects to happen on Sunday, sitting on her front porch with a tearful Sam Evans isn't one of them. The day had gone on without a hitch; she had met Sam and his little brother and sister, Katie and Steve at the movies and had watched some silly animated movie that while cheesy did tug at her heart strings. The day had been going just fine, until Katie has asked, "Sammy, why can't we get popcorn at the motel?"

Yeah.

Rachel had not been sure what to say either. Things had grown awkward after that as Sam hurried away with his siblings, after offering Rachel a hurried goodbye, despite the fact that her and Katie had been smack middle of a conversation about why pink was the greatest colour. She was _awesome_ with kids, thank you very much. Once she had returned home, she immediately began baking some complicated triple chocolate cake next door for her neighbour Mrs Kathy who— despite having filed a lawsuit against them— was actually a nice older lady whose husband had died over the summer.

Rachel had baked two batches of peanut butter cookies and one batch of snickerdoodle, as well as one cheesecake and a batch of blonde brownies. Most she had given to neighbours and some others— like the cheesecake— she had given to Kurt when he came over for an hour on Saturday before he left for some field trip he needed to go on. Her dad's weren't meant to come back until Tuesday and then they were leaving again the next one.

Rachel just finished putting the cake in the oven when she heard her doorbell ring.

It had been Sam.

So, somehow, twenty minutes later, Rachel was sitting there as Sam cries, not knowing what to say. Sam was _homeless._ Holy crap. _Snap out of it Rachel!_ Her brain screams at her, _snap the fuck out of it._ So, Rachel leans over and hugs Sam tightly. It feels odd, hugging another boy other than Finn or her dads but it doesn't feel _wrong._ Maybe it's just because he's her friend and she has this desperate need to comfort him and—

Rachel shoves those thoughts out of her mind as she pulls back and whispers, "Does anyone else know? From Glee?"

"No," he confesses quietly, his eyes red, "I'm so ashamed— so embarrassed. I can't even help my parents with anything because someone needs to take care of my siblings and we can't afford a babysitter and god I feel so useless—"

"Hey," Rachel protests, "you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, do you hear me? You love your siblings so much and you're doing the best you can." There's a beat before she continues, "I'll help you. I can babysit your siblings and you can hang out here after school. I mean, my Dad's are gone half the time and they're coming back this Tuesday and leaving a week after but— but I'm here for you, okay? Anything you need. You're my friend."

A couple more tears slip down Sam's face as he nods in gratitude.

"You're not going to tell anyone are you? Not even Kurt?"

Rachel does not even hesitate before responding.

"Of course," she tells him, squeezing his forearm, "I kinda owe you one on that front." Sam chuckles brokenly at that but the look in his eye when he eventually leaves lets her know that he's aware that she wouldn't have told anyone regardless of what he saw in the auditorium.

 _xiv._

That Monday, Rachel sees _him_ and Quinn smile at each other across the hallway. Not a friendly, how-are-you?- smile but _I love you so much lets have sex_ kinda smile.

In addition to that, there's also a hickey on Quinn's neck.

Rachel skips Glee that day.

And the day after that.

(When asked, she merely says that her dads need her at home to help them with some urgent business and that's why she's missing Glee)

Rachel bumps into Sam in the auditorium when she goes there after school on Wednesday and she watches earnestly as he sings his song for the week. Apparently, they had to find a song with the word _dance_ in it because apparently songwriters have used dancing as a way to convey 'romantic loneliness' or a desire to 'have fun' or party. Sam had leaned more towards the former with his stripped down version of 'Dancing on my own'.

" _I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her, oh oh oh/ I'm right over here, why can't you see me, oh oh oh/ And I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the guy you're taking home, ooh/ I keep dancing on my own_."

Rachel claps enthusiastically once he finishes, admiring him for being able to put his heart on his sleeve and sing a song like that in front of everyone. "That was truly emotional Sam," she tells him, as he swings his guitar strap off his shoulder, "You're really brave to be able to put your emotions out like that." Sam walks over to her and sits next to her, looking at her with a mix of concern and curiosity. "Are you not coming to Glee because of Finn—" Rachel winces. "And Quinn?"

Rachel lets out a small sigh, not quite knowing what to say. Sam takes her silence as a _yes._ "You shouldn't let them get in the way of you singing? Okay, you have the greatest voice in there, isn't the whole reason why you guys even won Sectionals last year because of you? Look, I know it hurts and everything but—" He stops then, frustrated with what he is saying. When he speaks next his voice smaller, more vulnerable. "I wasn't in love with Quinn. I could have been, one day but regardless I really liked her and having her cheat on me with the boyfriend she cheated on last year sucked. It still does. But I'm trying not to let that get in the way of what I'm doing or who I am." He gestures towards her, almost as if to say _look at yourself._

Rachel is wearing a black high waisted skirt matched with a black turtleneck, black tights and black boots. Essentially, she's wearing what she feels on the inside. "You shouldn't stop coming to Glee because of it." Rachel hiccups slightly, her throat closing with emotion. She's tempted to tell him about what she heard _him_ say but she's not ready yet. Instead, she omits that information and tells him something else that is nonetheless truthful.

"Every time I go in that choir room and see him watching her, all the progress that I've made in trying to get over him falls to pieces. Last year, when she was pregnant— before the truth came out— I was _so_ obvious with my feelings. Everyone in the school knew; everyone called me pathetic and whatnot. Then, when we finally got together after Regionals it finally felt like," she waves her hands to emphasise her point, " _this was it._ You know? Like, we were _it._ And now he is back together with her and it kind of just makes me feel like maybe none of it was real. For him. Like maybe me being in love with him— God I still am— is unrequited because all this time he has only really loved Quinn. And it makes sense. Doesn't it? That's what I try to tell myself but— but when I think, _oh well, I guess that means he didn't really love me after all,_ it just doesn't make any sense. At all!" Angry tears slip down her red cheeks as she finishes.

"It doesn't make any sense! And then I get so confused, about everything you know? Like I thought that wearing animal sweaters was what I wanted or that waking up at 6 every morning to work out and perfect my vocals would make me a better star but what if it doesn't? Maybe none of it was real and it was all just a distraction, preventing me from who I'm supposed to be."

They stare at each other in silence before Sam wraps an arm around her shoulders and allows her to lean her head against his. They stay like that for awhile, every second in that position cementing their friendship even more.

They only move when both of their phones buzz simultaneously in their pockets.

It's from Kurt.

 _Party at my house next weekend! Warblers and New Directions are all invited!_

 _xv._

Rachel doesn't miraculously feel better in the time before the party but she does begin to spend more time with Sam. Rachel forces him to study for the SATS for three hours before he convinces her to watch Avatar for the second time (that was his tenth). Though Rachel herself isn't a great fan of action movies, she must admit that she does enjoy watching that one. They text each other every day, talking about how James Cameron was a directorial genius and how—after Rachel forces him to watch all versions of A Star is Born— Barbra Streisand's version of the movie was the best. The Friday before Kurt's party, Sam brings his two siblings over to her house and they bake cookies and watch Beauty and the Beast, Rachel's favourite animated movie.

"It has a beautiful message and _stunning_ music!" is all she says when Sam raises an eyebrow at her. Her dads like having Sam around as well and his siblings and when Rachel had quietly told them about Sam's situation, they both allowed and told Sam that he and his family were free to stay over whenever they wanted before they left on their business trip that Tuesday. They were even okay with Sam staying over after Rachel had sworn on Barbra that nothing romantic was going on between them.

Which was the truth.

Surprisingly.

Anyway, on Saturday, Rachel goes over to Kurt's house and lets him do her makeup and dress her up.

Basically, for a whole three hours, she becomes his own personal barbie doll. Rachel surprises herself by realising how much she misses Kurt. True, they had sleepovers once every two weeks at the very least and talked everyday but it wasn't the same as actually being with him or having him at the same school. But he was happy at Dalton; with Blaine and the Warblers so Rachel was not about to complain. By the time Kurt is finished with her makeup, Rachel is tempted to kill him right there and then.

But she has got to admit, she does look good. She was wearing a short— the shortest dress she owned (one she coincidentally happened to buy with Kurt a few weeks)— black dress that clung to her body like a second skin and exposed her collarbone for all to see. It was covered in black lace that had been shaped into floral patterns and the sleeves reached her elbows. To match it off, she wore silver earrings and black heels that Kurt said "Made her look less like a hobbit." Mercedes and Tina join them shortly before the party starts in order to help them decorate ( _he_ wasn't there) . By ten, the party is in full swing. Warblers and New Directions are both drinking and dancing and somehow when _he_ and Quinn arrive together— or at least Rachel thinks they arrive together— a bunch of other people from their school show up. So it's not only the 30-40 people that Kurt invited, it's also an additional thirty or fifty members of the most popular kids in school.

Which, of course, drunk Rachel did not particularly mind.

Rachel doesn't know when exactly she started to drink, all she knows is that one wine cooler turned into two which turned into trying three shots of tequila for the first time, which led to the world being all bright and full starlight. At the current moment, Rachel finds herself giggling and grinding with Brittany of all people, as the blonde girl grabs her hand—also clearly drunk— and yells, "You're my shortest unicorn!" Rachel manages to disentangle herself from Brittany's arms once she catches sight of Kurt in the kitchen.

"Kurty!" she squeals, running over and wrapping her arms around his waist from behind, "My bestest friend!" Kurt shoots her a look which is a mix between affection and amusement as he sighs and pats her arms. "Hello Rachel." Rachel looks to his side and sees Blaine— who she met earlier in the night— standing next to one of his Warbler buddies. "Who are you?" she asks excitedly, with stars in her eyes. "Darren," the boy with the green eyes answers. Rachel giggles loudly before she leans over and plants a kiss on his cheek as she drawls, "Lovely to meet you." She casts a look towards Kurt, who is looking at her with slight horror and amusement. She grabs a hold of Damian's— Darren's?— hand and drags him onto the dance floor as she calls to Kurt, "We'll leave you two love birds alone!" Which causes Blaine to go red with embarrassment and Kurt to send her a death glare which she misinterprets as gratitude.

Soon enough, Rachel and Damon—Darren?— begin to grind on each other, a sentence which Rachel never thought she'd ever think in her entire life. It's fun and easy and dizzying, dancing with another boy so closely. It takes her mind off everything, off of _him._ Though she loathes to admit it, there is a small, tiny, minuscule part of her that wishes that _he's_ watching her dance so closely with the boy whose name starts with a D and feels the same way he made—makes— her feel. _Maybe this will make me feel something,_ she thinks wonderingly as she begins to stare at the boy's lips. They're thick—too thick— and the wrong shade. _His_ lips are thinner and a pale shade of pink but Rachel just shoves that out of her mind as she leans forward and kisses him smack on the lips.

The first thing she thinks is that it feels _wrong._ The kiss is good, their noses don't bump and their teeth don't clash but it just—it just feels _wrong._ But that doesn't stop her from letting him lead her to a wall on the edge of the dance floor, their lips still connected. Rachel still doesn't feel anything. No flutter in her stomach, no fireworks, no spark. She may as well be kissing a brick wall. So she thinks, maybe if I kiss him harder, kiss him with more _anything_ that it'd inspire something inside her. His mouth moves onto her neck as she stares up at the ceiling, tears beginning to gather in her eyes.

"No," she says suddenly, giving him a small push, "I can't. I'm sorry— I think I'm going to be sick."

Then she hurries out of the room and heads outside as bile rises dangerously up her throat. Thankfully, she manages to make it outside before she throws up into the bushes as tears burn her eyes. "C'mon Berry," Noah murmurs, holding back her hair as she retches, "Finish up. I'm not going to be some wuss who holds back a girls hair when she pukes her guts out— and I'm not even banging you." Rachel chuckles brokenly when she finishes, swiping at her tears.

When she turns to look at Noah, he's holding a piece of gum out towards her.

"Thank you," she murmurs, unwrapping it and sticking it in her mouth.

"What's up with you?" he demands suddenly, "What are you doing? Skipping Glee— the new wardrobe—" he grabs ahold of her blonde highlights, "—Changing your hair? I mean, you're taking away everything that makes you an awesome Jew. So what's up with you? Jew to Jew. I won't say anything—"

"No offence Noah but last time we talked Jew to Jew I ended up cheating on my boyfriend, so no thank you."

That doesn't deter him in the slightest.

"C'mon Berry, what's on your mind—"

And then all of a sudden she's fed up with his—with his _bullshit._

"I can't feel anything!" she suddenly yells, frustrated with the world, with _him_ and with herself. "Okay? I can't _fucking_ feel anything! And it's all _his_ fault! And yours and mine and Quinn's— and _fucking_ everyone's alright? You happy? I thought making out with some random guy whose name I don't even remember would help but it didn't okay? So if you and everyone else would just leave me the _fuck_ alone as I attempt to sort myself out and try to feel something other than non-stop numbness and heartbreak, I would be _fucking_ grateful."

Noah blinks at her, mouth agape with surprise.

Rachel doesn't even feel sorry, too angry to feel anything else.

"Hey man," Sam calls out, approaching them from inside before he wraps an arm around her shoulder, "I'll take her home."

Rachel turns to look at him now, railing in on him.

"Excuse me Sam Evans! I am an independent young woman who does not need a man to come and tell her when she needs to go home—"

"It's twelve thirty Rachel," Sam cuts in calmly, "You don't want to miss your curfew."

Drunk Rachel can't fight with that logic.

xvi.

Music used to be this great escape that Rachel used to pour all of her feelings into.

She hasn't done that in weeks.

She doesn't show up to school for a whole week, though she meets Sam at the library and drives him to her place so that they can do all of their homework together. They spend the whole time talking or studying together, talking about Glee and Regionals, which is coming up in a few weeks.

They don't talk about Finn or Quinn.

(She avoids everyone's messages and calls and merely tells everyone that she's sick with a massive fever)

"Sam," she says finally, fumbling with her fingers as she stares down at the carpet on her floor. "A few weeks ago, you know for the Glee assignment, you sang _Dancing on my own,_ I found a song that fulfils that assignment. Can you play the guitar for when I sing it on Monday?"

His smile is soft and slow as he nods.

She smiles, her chest light with relief.

"I'm not over Finn," she says quietly, "And I don't feel better just yet. I still feel kind of numb and lost but—but I think I'm starting to realise that getting drunk and making out with random guys isn't the way to go about moving on either. I'm not going to go back to who I was before. . " she clears her throat and finally, _finally,_ she tells someone about what she heard Finn say in the locker room.

"Oh my god, no wonder why out of nowhere you—"

"Are currently going through a major identity crisis? Yeah, I know," she says jokingly before her smile fades. "I'm not too sure how this all goes, the whole moving on thing but I'm willing to try and find out. Can you help me?"

Sam's eyes are soft as he nods.

"Of course," he tells her.

And then that Monday, Rachel makes her triumphant return to Glee with an emotional performance of Torn by Natalie Imbruglia.

She feels better than she has in a month.

 _xviii._

Regionals is three weeks away when she gets the idea.

Her, Sam, Katie and Steve are sitting in her living room watching High School Musical when Sam comments, "You know, I always wondered why these movies became so popular." Steve and Katie sit in front of them on some bean bags, their eyes transfixed on the screen as they plop popcorn into their mouths.

Rachel shrugs, unsure as to the answer herself. "Maybe because all of the cast is good looking," she informs him quietly, gazing at a younger looking Zac Efron with wide eyes. Sam chuckles loudly and shakes his head at her, clearly amused. "But seriously," he continues once they watch Vanessa Hudgens pour her heart out to empty hallways as she mourns her seemingly lost romance, "What is it that makes these movies so freaking entertaining?"

"The music, duh," Katie tells him primly before shushing him and looking back at the screen.

Rachel can feel her eyes widen and her stomach flutter as she realises—

"Original songs!" She declares to her glee club members the following day, "If we want to stand out at Regionals and actually have a shot at going to nationals, we need to do original songs!" She rambles on further, not quite realising that not everyone is as enthused with her idea as she is.

"I don't know Rachel," Mr. Schue states, "None of us in here are songwriters and we need to come up with three new songs in three weeks and choreograph it— I mean, it may just be too much."

"But not all of our songs need to be original songs," she says loudly, shooting everyone desperate looks in an attempt to get them to agree with her, "We can do one original song as a duet and a cover as a solo— or the other way round— and then we do one original group number. It's perfect."

"Do _you_ happen to have two original songs at the ready?" Santana asks her sharply, her dark eyes narrowing as they pierce into her standing form.

"No," Rachel admits, slightly dismayed that they aren't as taken with the idea as she is, "But I really think—"

"Who wants to do original songs for Regionals and who doesn't? Lets vote now."

"All in favour of doing original songs?"

Only Sam and Rachel raise their hands.

Everyone else keeps their hands firmly down.

"Well then I guess that's decided," Santana tells her, her eyes flashing.

It's only when Rachel's on her way out that _he—_ Finn stops her.

"Hey Rachel," he calls out, stopping her in her tracks on her way to her locker.

"What is it Finn?" she asks with an edge to her voice. She's both simultaneously dejected and annoyed with their nonchalance to her incredible and inspiring idea.

"I think that you were right in there," he tells her, meeting her eyes with a warmth that— despite how much she hates herself for it— sends a tingle up her spine. _I wish that he could be someone that I could easily hate,_ she thinks before she quickly banishes those thoughts away. If Finn were anyone other than he who he was now, he wouldn't be their leader or their friend. Simply put, he wouldn't be _Finn._

"What?" she says instead, her voice growing louder— "Why didn't you say that when I needed you?"

Finn sighs softly and places a hand on her shoulder which Rachel gently shakes off, realising that anyone— including Quinn— could be watching. The last thing that Rachel wants it to have an argument with the blonde cheerleader.

"Because it wouldn't have made a difference if I had. The only other person who supported your idea was Sam. One more person on your side would not have changed everyone else's mind. You just have to write one kickass song, perform it and blow everyone else away."

Rachel observes him carefully, making sure to keep her facial expressions in check as she nods and begins to fiddle with a blonde strand of her hair.

—

"He's right you know," Sam tells her, after she had finished recounting the events of the afternoon. They're hanging out in her bedroom, Billy Joel's greatest hits playing on her CD player as they study for their Spanish Test the next day.

"He is?" Rachel asks, surprised that Sam would agree with him.

He shrugs under her gaze and reaches for a cookie on the plate nearby, telling her with his mouthful that, "The only way that you're going to convince them that this is a good idea is if you prove it by writing your own, emotional, breath-taking Rachel Berry original song. Nothing else— no matter how many speeches you make or covers you sing, will change their minds."

"But what the frick—" Rachel had made herself stop swearing after coming to the re-realisation that it was a nasty habit that made her sound vulgar and uneducated. Sam had been disappointed: he thought it was hilarious when someone as 'tiny' as her swore in anger— "do I write about? I can't write about Finn. I'd probably start crying midway through and I'm not ready to expose my feelings out to the world just yet—"

"Rachel, you've been through a lot more than just your break up with Finn," Sam reminds her, finishing the last bite of his cookie. Rachel ponders this for a moment and is suddenly thrown by the fact that since her little makeo— _change_ in appearance a few weeks ago, she hasn't been called 'man hands' or 'ugly' and that the amount of times that she's been slushied have dwindled, though it is still a weekly occurrence.

Which is better than daily slushy facials as far as she's concerned.

When she tells Sam this, he frowns slightly and admits honestly that, "Boys have stopped throwing as many slushies at you because the new outfits you wear are more. . . 'hotter'— as some of the boys on the football claim— than the ones you wear before."

Rachel wrinkles her nose with disgust as she looks down at the outfit she wore to school that day. She was wearing a blue v-neck sweater with a grey vest and a pair of dark blue jeans. She didn't feel _hotter_ than she usually did or maybe she had just grown used to wearing her new outfits. Rachel didn't know and at the end of the day she knew it didn't really matter.

She just needed to focus on writing a go— _great, spectacular_ song that would blow everyone out of the water. She just needed the right topic.

 _xix._

"Rachel, we can't sing a song called _My Headband_ for Regionals," Sam tells her exasperatedly, after Rachel had finished pleading her case as to why this song was her greatest work, "And no offence but if this is your greatest work as a songwriter than you are massively screwed."

Rachel sighs dramatically as she surveys the empty choir room, taking note of the time on the clock. They only had ten minutes until Glee Club. Her and Sam both had last period off and Rachel had dragged Sam into the choir room to showcase her latest creation.

Needless to say, he had not been impressed.

"I just— I just don't know what to do. I thought this would be a lot easier. Barbra wrote _Evergreen_ with Paul Winters and that won her an academy award—"

"But you're not Barbra Streisand, you're Rachel Berry. I think that you should stop trying to be someone else or make a good song over something as frivolous—" Rachel beams at Sam: she had taught him the meaning of the world frivolous during their study sessions for the SATS— "as a headband or being an _Only Child._ "

"I suppose you may have a point," she admits, plopping down onto the seat next to him and leans her head on his shoulder in thought, "I just really, really want to prove everyone wrong." Sam sighs softly and wraps an arm around her shoulder but he doesn't say anything. Just lets her sit there and think.

Rachel doesn't know when exactly they had grown so. . . _affectionate_ with one another but it wasn't romantic. She just felt safe whenever she was with Sam, like she knew that he would protect and defend her. "Are Katie and Steve coming over today?" she asks quietly, moving away from him.

"I think so." There's a moment when he looks as if he wants to ask her whether or not that's okay before she rolls her eyes and stops him, "Sam, you know they're free to come over whenever they want. And you are too. My dad's like and trust you and understand everything that's going on with your family. Don't worry. You're not imposing at all."

All Sam does is smile at her in gratitude.

The final bell rings at some point and they wait patiently for the rest of the group to arrive. It seems like a normal Glee club meeting until Tina and Mike come in after Mercedes covered in slushy and Santana and Brittany enter the choir room covered in dirt because Coach Sylvester put soil in their lockers as punishment for them quitting the Cheerios.

"She did _that_?" Mr. Schue asks, voice full of disbelief.

"She's always treated the Glee Club like dirt, Mr. Schue," Artie tells him from where he is next to Brittany, "The same with the rest of the school. Like we're nothing." There's a moment before Mike joins in, "Yeah Mr. Schue, they tell us on a daily basis about how we're nothing but failures who need people like 'them' to succeed in life."

"Yeah but guys it's important for us not to let them get to us," Mercedes reminds them, "One day they'll be praying for forgiveness. Either from us or from God. I just hope that the whole world changes— that these ignorant souls change."

Rachel stands up suddenly, a tingle in her spine and excitement in her heart.

"I've got to go," she tells everyone slowly, reaching for her backpack as her hands begin to tremble.

"What?"

"Where?"

"Rachel—"

Rachel whirls around to face Sam, a bright smile on her face as she exclaims, "I just got inspiration!" Then she flies out of the room, searching for journal where she kept all of her songs.

—

Rachel finishes the song in the auditorium that same afternoon. She plays it on the piano and hums the melody, writing down the notes on some sheet music. Sam finds her there after the practice finishes and tells her, "Everyone thinks that you're going crazy."

"You mean that they think I'm becoming crazier?"

Sam laughs loudly before sitting next to her on the piano bench and surveys the sheet music on lyrics.

"Another song?"

"Yes," she steadily replies, playing the notes absentmindedly.

"You ready to show the club?"

Rachel snaps her gaze away from the piano keys and towards him, her eyes widening.

"I convinced everyone to linger around a little bit more just in case you'd finished," he tells her, shrugging. "Sam," Rachel protests, "I can't just perform the song now. I mean, I haven't even sang it out loud yet, just humming and playing on the piano to make sure that the music was right for the lyrics."

"So?" Sam shoots back, standing up and extending a hand out towards her, "And you can just show them that Rachel Berry is making one glorious comeback."

Rachel still isn't sure.

"What if they don't like it?"

All Sam does is tilt his head and stare at her.

"Since when does Rachel Berry care about what other people think of her?"

Rachel smiles.

—

Rachel hands the hastily written sheet music over to the pianist (whose name no one knew) , nerves making her stomach twist into knots. "Get on with it Berry," Santana calls from across the room, "I have places to be." Some people echo a murmur of agreement and all this does is serve to make her even more nervous. She glances at Sam, who smiles at her and gives her a thumbs up, which makes her feel slightly better. Mercedes and Tina give her an encouraging smile and even Noah offers her a half-smile too.

She doesn't look at Finn.

She approaches the centre of the choir room and takes a deep breath, closing her eyes tightly as the piano began to play. She exhales, inhales before clenching her hands and crooning, _"_ _Well you almost had me fooled/ Told me that I was nothing without you/ Oh, and after everything you've done/ I can thank you for how strong I have become."_

Her voice is slippery and breathy as she concludes the opening verse, opening her eyes to survey everyone's reaction before she chickens out and stares at the floor instead, feeling as though she were airing out all of her dirty secrets out in the air for everyone to judge. She closes her eyes a she continues, her voice growing thicker with increasing intensity. _" 'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell/ I had to learn how to fight for myself/ And we both know all the truth I could tell/ I'll just say this is I wish you farewell."_

The lyrics give her the courage to look up and survey the room, this _hunger_ inside her— right from her heart— seeping through her blood and burning everything in it's path as her voice grows louder and louder. It's like her soul was on fire. _"I hope you're somewhere praying, praying/ I hope your soul is changing, changing/ I hope you find your peace/ Falling on your knees, praying!"_

She thinks of all the names— all the _things_ she's been called, Rupaul, Man-hands, Untalented, Annoying, Selfish, Trash, Unlovable and all of a sudden she meets Santana's and Quinn's eyes as she breathes, _"I'm proud of who I am/ No more monsters, I can breathe again. / And you said that I was done/ Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come!"_ She extends the note on the last line of that verse, her voice soaring higher and higher as she continues:

" _Cause I can make it on my own/ And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known/ I've been thrown out, I've been burned—"_ she adds an extra high note to the last word, _"— I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain/ When I'm finished, they won't even know your name!"_

She takes a small breath before continuing, her heart beating like a drum as she sings, _"You brought the flames and you put me through hell/ I had to learn how to fight for myself/ And we both know all the truth I could tell/ I'll just say this is I wish you farewell. I hope you're somewhere praying, praying/ I hope your soul is changing, changing/ I hope you find your peace/ Falling on your knees, praying!"_

She lets out a small gasp at the end of the verse, almost out of breath before forcing herself to continue. _"Oh, sometimes, I pray for you at night/ Oh someday, maybe you'll see the light/ Oh some day, in life you gonna get what you give/ But something, only God can forgive."_

And then she proceeds to let out the highest note that she has ever hit in her entire life, her body vibrating due to the sheer intensity and emotion she puts into it. The moment the note finishes, she sings the last few lines with the same ferocity as before, " _I hope you're somewhere praying, praying/ I hope your soul is changing, changing!"_ Her voice grown softer as she utters the final lines, " _I hope you find your peace/ Falling on your knees, praying."_ There's a pause before she croons, " _praying."_

The music stops and suddenly Rachel feels drained and so incredibly tired that she can barely stand up straight. She blinks rapidly at the rest of the club, waiting for something, anything. _There's no way that they didn't like that performance,_ she thinks with alarm, _there is no freaking way. I gave my soul into that performance._

She's still gasping from the performance when someone starts to clap, seeming to have snapped out of their own reverie. The applause grows suddenly— much to her surprise— and soon enough everyone is standing on their feet, clapping. Sam even whistles at her, causing her to let out a small, tired laugh.

"Well," Mr. Schue says finally, staring at her with a prideful expression, "I think that we've found our solo for Regionals." Everyone agrees with a cheer as they rush over to her and hug her. To Rachel's surprise, Noah reaches her first and whispers in her ear, "I'm glad that you're feeling something again Berry." He pulls away immediately afterwards as the rest of the club envelopes her in a group hug and it's only after they've all pulled away that she goes over to him and kisses him on the cheek.

"Thanks Noah," she tells him, squeezing his forearm.

 _xx._

They win Regionals.

Not that any of them are really surprised. Even though the Warblers did put up an admirable fight for 1st place, Rachel knows in _bones_ that they're going to win.

And they do.

Is it horrible that the highlight of her night is when Finn approaches her backstage before her solo and tells her, "Break a leg." ?

Is it horrible that there was massive part of her that wanted to reply, "I love you." ?

Is it so bad for her to forget in those moments that not of it was real for him?

She doesn't think about the fact that he and Quinn went official— and public— with their relationship the next day on Facebook.

 _You're over him,_ she tells herself repeatedly, _you're over him._

 _xxi._

"Rachel please don't do this," Finn tells her, "You're beautiful."

 _And you never loved me,_ she thinks, somewhere deep, deep down inside her.

And yeah, she doesn't end up getting a nose job and Kurt returns to Mckinley and Rachel is honestly to busy to spend all of her time mooning over Finn Hudson and lamenting about how their love wasn't real. Not really.

—

There are several moments that lead up to _the_ rumour.

The first, is on a Monday where Sam practically runs over to her at her locker and somehow manages to tell her through his excitement and relief that— "My dad got a temporary job at a construction site!"

Rachel had immediately hugged him tightly and squealed with delight when he lifted her in his arms and span her around.

The second is when Jacob Ben Israel interviews all of the Glee Club about their love lives for his stupid online show. He pesters Sam about his relationships before he asks her, "What about you Rachel? Are you in love with anyone? Have you ever been in love?"

Rachel nearly wrinkles her nose in disgust at the way he was practically drooling as he stared at her boobs. "I beg your pardon?" she repeats, not quite hearing what he asked. He repeats the question a few more times and thrusts his microphone towards her.

Looking back, Rachel isn't quite sure what possessed her to reply like she had.

"I don't know," she says, sounding confused even to her own ears, " I don't think that love is real unless it's returned."

There are more moments that come after that, that also contribute to the rumour that Rachel Berry and Sam Evans are secretly embarking on a passionate love affair.

Yeah.

Rachel found out about the rumour when Kurt shrieks at her when she arrives to school one morning, "Rachel Barbra Berry how could you not tell me!" When she manages to finally wrestle the truth from Kurt, about Jacob Ben Israel had written an article in the school newspaper and included a picture of Sam climbing into Rachel's car after school, looking 'passionately in love' her first reaction is to look for Sam.

She finds him by his own locker, her eyes growing wider as she clenches the newspaper in her hands.

"Have you heard?" she asks him hurriedly, handing him the wrinkled newspaper, "People think that we're having a secret relationship and that we are planning on becoming Prom King and Queen."

Sam's eyes widen at her words as he quickly unfolds the paper and begins to search for the article. "Miss Berry and Mr. Evans were also spotted outside a motel room on multiple occasions, on some which they both entered a room for several hours at a time—"

"Does he stalk us in his spare time?" she asks incredulously, running her hands through her hair. She doesn't notice Sam's panicked expression until after he doesn't say anything for several minutes. His face is so pale it looks as though he's seen a ghost. "Sam?" she asks tepidly, stopping herself from pacing around him, "What is it?"

He grabs a hold of her hand and drags her into the empty change room, his voice a mere whisper. "What if they find out about— about—"

"Holy shit," Rachel curses, breaking her no swearing rule. "Fuck fuck fuck."

Sam would have smiled at her swearing if he hadn't been so terrified. "What do I do?" he asks quietly, "I can't handle everyone in the school knowing. I can't. Not yet. I'm not ready for anyone to know— I don't _want_ anyone to know, Rachel."

Before he even finishes his speech, Rachel knows what she has to do.

"So then we date," she tells him, almost as if it were a business transaction, "We pretend to date for a little while. Feed into the rumours so they stop fishing around for anything else. It'll distract everyone— including that little pig Jacob Ben Israel and it— it will protect you."

"But we don't like each other like that. You're like a sister to me."

"And you're like a brother to me."

There's silence for a little while.

"You'd really do that?"

"Just for a few weeks," Rachel confirms, holding onto his hands. "I'm still in I-don't-even-know-what with Finn and I know that this isn't real but. . . I'll be the best fake girlfriend you've ever had."

Sam chuckles before linking their fingers together and heading towards the door. "I'll be the best fake boyfriend you've ever had," he tells her in a Mathew McConaughey impression. And then they proceed to go back into the hallway, holding onto each others hands as they walk each other to their first period class.

By the time Glee rolls around, every member is so incredibly confused.

"I thought you guys were friends!" Tina tells her, her voice filled with curiosity as she stares at Rachel. It doesn't take long for Kurt to jump in, "Earlier, you told me that it was all lies, Rachel."

"We had agreed not to tell anyone Kurt," Rachel tells him sadly, trying to get him to calm down, "I promised that I wouldn't even tell you. I hope you understand! And think about it, you'll be the first to get all the details about how we got together." He gasps in delight at that but Rachel doesn't miss the skeptical look in his eye when he stares at her when he thinks she isn't looking.

"So that's why he turned me down a few weeks ago," Santana murmurs from in front of her, before the Latina turns around to glare at her. "Well, hobbit I got to say, you surprised me. I didn't think that you'd get over Finnocence within the next century but. . you surprised me. I hope you and Lady lips have children that inherit you're massive beak and his giant lips. Don't be surprised if the recruiters for one of those Freak Shows appears at your house because of yours truly."

Rachel merely rolled her eyes at Santana before the door to the choir room opened and Sam came in, with Finn and Puck rolling in after him. "Well there's my leading man!" she exclaims excitedly, bounding over to him and planting a kiss on his cheek. "Hey babe," says Sam, linking their hands together. Rachel's stomach twists at the endearment and it takes a great deal of effort for her not to wince.

"When did that happen?" she hears Puck ask Finn and it's even harder for her not to turn around just to see his reaction. She leads Sam towards where she was sitting and squeals with surprise when he pulls her onto his lap. Mr. Schue comes into the room a while later and the room instantly settles down as he begins to write the assignment for the week on the board.

(Rachel ignores the way she can feel Finn and Quinn's eyes boring into the side of her head)

"Rumours," Mr. Schue declares, "The iconic album from Fleetwood Mac and arguably one of the greatest albums of all time. Now, it's recently come to my intention that the school newspaper has been causing a lot of trouble for you guys. Spreading rumours: some true," his gaze lingers meaningfully on her and Sam, though he also seems a little surprised by it, "some not. Find a song on this album and channel whatever you're feeling into your chosen song."

Rachel removes herself from Sam's lap, though she stills allows him to wrap an arm around her shoulder. There's a knock on the door that interrupts Mr. Schue's speech and he tells them to start brainstorming before he hurries out of the room. Rachel and Sam instantly head over to the piano and begin talking about songs from the album that demonstrate their 'recent romantic affiliation' when Lauren finally declares, "Okay, people! Can we talk about the giant elephant in the room?" She then gestures towards them, causing the club to stare at them unashamedly.

"Are you guys the new 'it' couple of Glee?" someone asks before—

"Is Sam replacing Finn as the new male lead?"

"When did this even happen?"

"Talk about squaring the love triangle—"

"There is no love triangle," Rachel cuts in loudly, her eyes wide with frustration.

"Yeah guys," Sam adds, "We just really like each other and stuff and no offence or anything but it really isn't any of your guys's business."

"He's talking like he's the male lead already," Brittany comments.

Rachel groans before she stares at Finn pointedly, "We—" she gestures to her and Sam, "have no intention of robbing anyone of their rightful and deserved place in this Glee club. Finn and I have both moved on from our relationship with—" it makes her sick to her stomach to say it but she powers through it anyway, "the people we are both supposed to be with. Finn is meant to be with Quinn and I am— I am supposed to be with Sam."

There's a pause before Puck declares, "I still think it's weird."

Sam and Rachel share a knowing glance before—

"You know I've changed my mind," Santana declares loudly, "I don't believe it. It's probably just some stunt the both of you came up with to get back at Finn and Quinn. Quinn for cheating on Sam and Finn for forgiving Quinn and not forgiving Rachel. It makes sense and is actually— dare I say it— kind of smart, considering we're talking about Man-hands and the guy who thinks Avatar is the greatest movie of all time."

Rachel gapes at Santana, fury boiling inside her when Sam takes not only her but the whole world by surprise by planting his lips on hers. Rachel tries her best not to gasp too loudly but her breath hitches in her throat as her eyes flutter close and presses her lips against his. _This feels weird,_ she thinks, as Sam's hand reaches the small of her back, _it's a nice kiss but it's weird. Wrong almost._

It takes a few more moments of them kissing for Artie and some other immature hooligan to whistle at them. "Damn Samchel is totally killing it," Lauren comments loudly, causing Rachel to pull back away from Sam and stare at her incredulously.

"Samchel? Seriously?"

And then she went off on another speech about respect for privacy and how gossip was harmful, completing missing the expression on _his_ face.

 _xxi._

It takes exactly four days of them keeping up the facade for the tension in the room to break. It happens right after Finn and Quinn finish their duet of ' _I don't want to know'_. "Your voices blend very nicely together," is all Rachel says when people begin to offer their opinions on the obviously tense performance.

"You can't do a duet with her," Quinn suddenly announces, turning her sharp gaze towards Finn, "if you do a duet with her at Nationals, I'll break up with you." Rachel stares at Quinn in disbelief, Sam immediately tightening his grip on her hand. "That's ridiculous!" Rachel exclaims, "Why?"

"Quinn come on—"

"No," the blonde stubbornly repeats, like a petulant child.

Rachel suddenly has enough.

"Oh my God!" she bursts out, her cheeks growing red with exasperation, "He's in love with you okay? Not me! He wants to be with you forever and forever and have your babies and live happily ever after with _you_ not me! Alright? How is that so hard for you to understand? And before you accuse me of lying or secretly planning to reawaken his love for me or whatever your so terrified about, his feelings for me? Not real. He's been in love with you this entire time, I heard him say so myself—"

"What?" Finn asks, frowning as he looks at her, "Rachel, what are you talking about—"

Rachel rolls her eyes before reciting robotically, "You know man, I don't know. I mean with Quinn it just feels like I was supposed to be with her all along and I just— I just feel like maybe everything with Rachel was a distraction from what I've always meant to be doing you know? Like maybe none of it was even real."

His face grows paler as he whispers brokenly, "You heard that?"

Rachel sighs loudly before nodding her head, "Yes, I did and it made me realise that maybe you were right—" _liar,_ her brain whispers, "—about all of it. I mean, maybe we never really loved each other and we were both just pretending." _Liar._

She shrugs once more, trying her best to ignore everyone's stares before she turns to look at Quinn, who seems rather shocked herself. "You guys are meant to be together Quinn. I'm not going to get in the way of that, regardless of what you believe about my intentions with Sam." _Partially the truth and partially a lie. Go me!_

"Rachel," says Finn, his voice light, "I didn't—I mean—"

"Enough!" Sam snaps, standing up. "You guys were right, Rachel and I aren't really dating, we never were! The only reason why we started pretending that we were was because I'm homeless and I didn't want anyone to find out. Okay? Are you all satisfied?" Then he stalks out of the room, his body stiff with rage.

(When he shows up at her house later that afternoon, his eyes red and his clothes drenched from the rain, she makes him a cup of hot chocolate and quickly makes a batch of chocolate chip cookies.

She doesn't even protest when he slides the Avatar DVD into the player.)

 _xxii._

A lot happens over the next few weeks leading up to Nationals.

Jesse St. James returns to town.

When she first sees him after a year, she tosses a slushie in his face and tells him to ' _get the hell away from me!'_ and leaves it at that, ignoring him when he shows up at Mckinley with flowers and a corsage for Prom.

She does end up going, with Kurt, Mercedes and Sam and watches with a knowing eye as Sam twirls Mercedes around during the slow dance.

Jesse leaves after a week, fed up with her 'inability to recognise his true and heartfelt remorse'.

Whatever.

Another thing that happens that takes her completely by surprise, is that Finn and Quinn break up. She had heard that things had been rocky ever since Quinn had lost prom Queen to Lauren but with the revelation of what Rachel had heard Finn say she had assumed that they would be 'stronger than ever'.

Apparently not.

Anyway, it's only during an after school attempt of her writing another song that Rachel really begins to think about her feelings for Finn. "Sam," she says suddenly, causing him to look up from his guitar. "Are you over Quinn?"

There's a moment before he responds, thrumming the strings on his guitar absentmindedly. "Yes," he says steadily, peering into her eyes. "Why do you ask?" Rachel hesitates before responding, "How did you know?"

Her heart beats against her ribcage as she surveys the empty auditorium, remembering.

 _You know you can kiss me if you want to._

 _I want to._

"I don't know," he admits ruefully, "I guess you just kinda know one day."

Rachel nods thoughtfully, her eyes lingering on the spot where she had once laid out that picnic.

"Are you over Finn?" he asks her.

"No," Rachel confesses, her mouth twisting as something heavy within her sighs, "I thought I was. Especially after Rumour week but. . .I don't think so. I still love him. I thought that if I told myself that I was that I'd get over him but—"

Her eyes widen as the same feeling she got before she wrote Praying happens again.

"It's happening again isn't it?" Sam asks, panicked.

Rachel nods silently as she starts to scramble around for a pen and a piece of paper. _C'mon, come on,_ she thinks desperately, eager to write it down before she forgot it. "Here! Here!" Sam exclaims, tossing her a pen which she catches before she begins scribbling on a piece of paper.

The next day at Glee she hands the sheet music and lyrics over to Mr. Schue for approval to sing it at Nationals, which was a week and a half away. They had already written a group number for them all to sing, now they were just trying to write an original song for a couple to perform as a duet or for someone to perform Solo.

"This is great Rachel," Mr. Schue tells her, "I'm assuming this is a duet?"

"Yes it is," she agrees readily, "I have another two copies, one for me and one for Sam—"

"Sam?" Mr. Schue questions, his eyebrows rising in surprise. Rachel shifts uncomfortably under his gaze and replies, "The song was inspired by a conversation I had with him, Mr. Schue." He sighs a little, looking a little bit worried before murmuring, "Rachel, I know things have been a little tense between you and Finn these past couple weeks— months, even— but I really think that you guys should do the duet and let someone else have a solo. You guys are our lead singers, after all. You haven't sang together— as just a duet— since last year at Regionals."

"That's not true," Rachel points out, feeling rather faint at the idea of performing such a song with Finn. "We've both sung lead on every group number we've done since Sectionals during competitions Mr. Schue. Look, I know that Finn is our male lead and I respect that. But he already has lead vocals on the group number and I would in all honesty feel more comfortable singing this song with Sam."

He hesitates for a moment before nodding and allowing her to take a seat.

"Listen up guys," he calls out, clapping his hands to get their attention, "In addition to _Light up the World,_ Rachel has written an amazing duet that her and Sam will be performing—"

"Sam?" Tina interrupts, "What about Finn? Isn't he our male lead?"

"Yeah, Rachel and Finn kicked butt with _Faithfully_ last year," Artie points out, also looking rather confused. "Sam helped me write some parts of the song," Rachel cut in smoothly, staring steadily ahead at the board, "It's only fair that he gets to sing the song he helped write and inspire. Besides," she says flippantly, "Finn already has the male lead vocals during our group number. All we need to do now is decide who is going to get the solo."

"Right," Mr. Schue agrees quickly, eager to dispel any uneasiness from the group by bringing in another topic, "Mercedes, I was thinking that you could perform _Try a Little Tenderness_ by Otis Redding—"

Rachel relaxes once everyone else gets caught up in discussing the choreography for the group number and what song Mercedes should sing as the solo. She ignores the look Sam shoots her and instead decides to contribute some ideas of her own. It's only until practice is over that Finn finally confronts her.

"Rachel," he calls out from behind her, jogging up to her before she could run to the parking lot and go home. "Finn," she says with false brightness,"What do you think about the choreography for the group number? I think it is perhaps one of the better choreographed of our routines yet—"

"That's not what I'm here to talk to you about," he tells her, reaching for something in his bag and her heart rises to her throat when she sees that he's holding a flower in his hand. "I meant to give this to you a lot sooner," he admits shyly, a flush rising to his cheeks before he adds, "I mean, after everything that happened during the 'Rumours' week, I thought that we needed to talk. Clear the air and everything."

"That's nice of you," Rachel says faintly, her eyes drawn to the yellow/red tulip, "But I think that we've said everything that needs to be said—"

"That's bullshit Rachel," he interrupts passionately, following her when she tries to walk away to the parking lot, "I didn't mean what I said in the locker room." At her skeptical expression, he corrects himself, "Maybe in the moment I did but not in the long whole. You know, there are some things that you say or do in one moment and you think that it's right but afterwards you realise that it was massive mistake and that you were wrong."

There's a pause before he continues on.

"I was so angry with you about what happened with Puck and I—I though it meant that you never really loved me. And that made me feel so worthless and hurt that when Quinn kissed me it just— I just thought that it was the universes way of telling me that this was the person who really loved me. Who really wanted to be with me and who was actually, genuinely sorry for cheating on me." His cheeks flush with shame as he carries on, "And I convinced her that cheating on Sam was a good thing despite everything that had happened to me because of cheating and I'm planning on going up to Sam and apologising."

A sheepish grin appears on his face as he says, "I even wrote a speech and everything. Spent every night over the past week practicing it with my Mom but anyway—I— I realise that I've been a massive jerk to you about the whole Puck thing. I mean, I cheated on Quinn with you last year before the baby and what I was doing was even worse because I was actually falling in love with you the entire time. I believe you now when you said that you didn't care about Puck after the whole cheating thing and I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Santana. I am. I love you Rachel, and I always have, even when I didn't want to admit it."

He extends the flower out to her, motioning for her to take it. "And I know that I don't really deserve it but. . .but I really want to be together with you Rachel. I want to spend all the time we have left singing duets with you."

Rachel gapes at him, everything coming to a slow around her.

"I don't believe you," she tells him as she begins to back away from him, "And I can't do this again Finn. Not with you. The last time almost killed me. And I'm singing the duet with Sam. I'm sorry." And then she runs— literally, she sprints— away from him and to the parking lot as tears stream down her face.

 _xxiii._

Rachel doesn't speak to Finn during the week that leads up to Nationals.

As a matter of fact, she avoids him like the plague.

She knows that he apologised to Sam— Sam had told her during one of the times they were rehearsing their duet— and that Sam had forgiven him, but whenever she sees him outside of Glee she runs in the other direction.

She even stopped going over to Kurt's house and instead insisted on him coming over to hers for their weekly sleepover.

On the plane ride to New York, Sam finally calls her out on it.

"You have to stop avoiding Finn," Sam tells her from where he sat beside her, "Just listen to what he has to say." Rachel looked up from her iPod and replies, "I already did, Sam. And I can't go through falling in love with him again and then having my heart broken. We tried it once—twice even, and it didn't work."

"I thought you said that you weren't over him," Sam points out, eating one of the airplane snacks.

"I am," She says firmly, leaving no room for him to discuss it further.

 _Or at least, one day I will be._

—

Two days later, they're all backstage at Nationals, finishing the final touches of their makeup. Mercedes is up first for her solo and then it's her and Sam performing afterwards. Rachel frowns as she looks around as Mercedes goes onstage. "Where's Sam?" she asks Tina, fiddling with her hands, "I have something to ask him about our duet." Tina shrugs and avoids her gaze before wishing her luck.

She stands there by the curtain and smiles as she hears Mercedes bring the house down with her solo, not feeling jealous at all at the way her voice seemed to fill the entire theatre. Just as she's given her one minute cue and Sam is still nowhere in sight, Rachel's phone vibrates. She breathes a sigh of relief when she realises that it's from Sam before it quickly fades once she reads the message.

 _I'm sorry._

"What the—"

"Come on Rachel," Mr. Schue tells her hurriedly, grabbing a hold of her phone and directing her towards the stage, "It's your time to shine. You'll do great." _What the hell is going on?_ She thinks but she can't think about where Sam is or what he meant by the text because god dammit she is not going to cost them nationals. R

Rachel takes a deep breath, gets a hold of herself and grabs a hold of the curtain before unveiling herself.

Rachel steps out, the music beginning to play as she glides onto the stage. There's a hitch in her voice as she starts, _"_ _Over, I'm so over you/ The way that you look in a 3-piece suit/ Over, I'm so over you/ The way that you held me, like nobody else would."_ She begins to walk across the stage, her steps slow and meaningful as she continues singing. " _Maybe if I tell myself enough/ Maybe if I do, I'll get over you/ Maybe if I tell myself enough/ Maybe if I do/ I'll get all over you/ You oh, over you/ You."_ Her voice is gentle and delicate as she hits all the right note, the emotion in her voice baring out her soul for all the audience to see.

It's Sam's cue to come out now and she stops in her tracks, waiting for his voice before she turns around, as they choreographed with Mr. Schue. She hears him step out onto she stage and suddenly he's singing but the only thing is—

 _That's not Sam,_ she thinks, whirling around to stare at Finn with wide eyes. _What the—_

" _Over, I'm so over you,"_ he croons, taking a step towards her with a gentle yet determined expression. _"The way that you laugh/ Made everything that I do—"_ Rachel doesn't have the time to think about what the hell is going on because she's meant to join him after the line in this verse. " _Over, I'm so over you—"_ Rachel takes a deep breath and joins, their voices blending together in a beautiful yet heartbreaking harmony, " _The way that you said that you'd always be true_ _/_ _And maybe if I tell myself enough_ _,_ _maybe if I do/ I'll get over you._ "

And these words are making tears swell in her eyes as they approach each other, each of them spilling out all of their emotional turmoil and heartbreak that they've experienced because of each other as they continue singing. " _Maybe if I tell myself enough/ Maybe if I do/ I'll get all over you/ You/ Over you/ You/ Over you."_ They reach other and though Rachel was meant to grab Sam's hand all she does is stare into Finn's eyes, unable to look away as the piano keeps on playing.

They're both silent as the music starts to become more hopeful; more gentle and less emotionally devastating. _"I'm falling around you,"_ he begins, his voice heavy with emotion as he begins to start taking a few steps back. _"I'm falling around you,"_ she repeats, her heart hammering in her chest as they both repeat, " _I'm falling around you/ I'm falling around you/ Oh!"_

They then begin to sing circles around each other, their voices creating a stunning mess of harmonies, soaring high notes and emotional devastation as they proclaim to each other, _"Maybe if I tell myself enough/ Maybe if I do./ I'm falling around you/Maybe if I tell myself enough, oh/ Maybe if I tell myself enough/ I'm falling around you/ Maybe if I do/ I'm falling around you."_

And then after the beautiful chaos is finished, they gaze at each other from across the stage and the last line is almost like a promise as they both utter: _"Maybe if I tell myself enough, maybe if I do."_

They stand there motionless as the crowd begins to roar with applause. Normally, Rachel would turn around and acknowledge them but right now she only has eyes for him. They approach each other and stop right when Rachel can feel the heat from his body radiating out to her. His eyes are brown, lovely and gentle and she can't breathe.

And she thinks _maybe I'll never really get over Finn Hudson._

He smiles softly at her and reaches for her hand, the promise of the future in his eyes.

 _Maybe he'll never get over me too._

And for the first time in months, that's okay.

—

 _End._


End file.
